Romancing The Troll
by ElMuggo
Summary: Harry and Hermione?, Harry and Luna?, Hermione and Luna?.. Draco and Hermione?.. Draco and Harry?. you've heard they're stories of illogical what-the romances a million times and yet how come nobody ever asks about Harry and the Troll? Fanclub starts now!


Harry was half asleep, face resting on his History of Magic textbook as Professor Binns oblivious to the effect that his class had, like always fallen asleep and even Hermione's quill was starting to droop as she struggled with the pressure of being the 'Smart One'. Ron being the comic relief was already snoring loudly in order to get a cheap laugh. The Boy Who Lived had not been sleeping well of late what with the requirements of sneaking around to uncover mysteries and the general difficulties of being a Boy Wizard in a Man Wizards world. You see he'd been having strange dreams of late, ever since that Troll in the Dungeon chapter a couple of books ago he'd been having odd dreams which wasn't helped by Professor Binns's choice of topic being the Troll Wars of 1632. Harry couldn't help but think of the first time he'd ever heard of trolls, the weak smile as Ron had talked about wrestling a troll.. it had been just a silly thought at the time but he knew the moment Professor AmusingLispWhoCouldn'tBeTheBadie had run into the Great Hall shouting there was a Troll in the Dungeon.. well Harry hadn't been able to say no to that, it was just lucky that Hermione had been in the bathroom at the time doing the required 'I'm so Smart But I'm A Girl So I'll Cry Cause None of the Boys Like Me' routine had given him the excuse he needed as in a eureka moment Harry had grabbed Ron's Arm and given some lie about needing to Rescue the girl.

Of course who'd have had to show up but old Snape but no way was he letting creepySnapodude ruin his party. Harry still remembered the scent.. old socks, uncleaned public toilets.. at the time he'd thought it was foul but then when he'd heard the grunting and footfalls he couldn't help his heart beating trilled as by moonlight he saw it.. The Troll! Twelve Feet Tall, skin a grey with powerful boulderous lumps and above all a petite smooth head that shone dully in the moonlight. It's legs where thick as tree truncks with flat.. erotic feet.. Harry was overwhelmed by the scent of it and in awe as he watched the Troll pass dragging a huge wooden club along the floor with it's long powerful arms. He could still remember the thrill as he spied the key in the lock and trying to stay cool muttered to Ron that they should lock it in. Edging towards the door, his mouth dry from the expectation and praying that the Troll wouldn't leave. With a giant leap Harry had managed to grab the key.. slamming the door and locking it before letting out a great 'YES!' Flushed with his victory he turned to look at his? Troll only to find Ron staring at him.. bugger.. wrong side of the door.. Afraid that someone would come along any moment and find the Troll before Harry would have time to come back to it later when nobody was around the legged it, Harry giving one last look over his shoulder at the door and the secrets it held within.

He never did get a chance though as there was a shrill scream, Harry couldn't help but feel a flame of jealousy as he and Ron said it together.. Hermione! Harry was furious as he ran back towards the girls bathroom he was the main character and if anyone was going to tango with a troll it was going to be him! Fumbling in a mix of panic and excitement Harry had a thought for a moment of what fearsome and unwholesome deeds that the troll might be up to with Hermione.. but of course he knew he was barking up the wrong tree since this was a kids book and everyone knew that being the Bookworm Hermione was set up for seven long years of no action at all.. unlike Ron the comic relief who got to chew up half the second last book snogging. Pulling the Door open he was relived to find Hermione in the proper role of shaking and looking helpless but Harry only noticed the girl for a moment for his whole attention was caught up with the Troll.. and my wasn't he a brute knocking those sinks off the wall like that? Hoping to impress the Troll Harry grabbed a tap (no subliminal hint there) and threw it at the wall.. for of course he didn't want to harm the Troll in any way, just get it's attention away from Hermione and towards him instead. Harry was breathing heavily as the Troll stopped and in a lumbering motion turned and blinked dim as it was Harry didn't mind.. he liked that in a Troll which might well have gone to explain how after seven books he'd never really been all that interested in hooking up with Hermione in the first place and instead settled down with the sister of the comic relif who had let the dark lord loose as a kid.. see brains a plenty there!

There was a hesitation from the troll and then.. success Harry took a deep breath as the Troll made for him the trolls long and hard club raised for it seemed the Troll was just as excited by the whole thing as Harry was. Lost in the sound and the smell of the Trolls wet breath Harry couldn't believe that here it was THIS was his moment.. till Ron called out.. Harry glared at the Comic Relif as Ron went about throwing a metal pipe at the Troll and calling insults. Harry left Ron to his fate to be eaten for daring to insult the Troll as he yelled at Hermione instead to Run, trying to get her to move so that he could have the Troll to himself without any stupid sidekicks getting in the way. Behind him Harry heard the Troll roar, a shudder running though his body at the power of the Troll. Harry knew it wouldn't be long for Ron now as he turned back to see the Troll heading towards Ron.. now that just was not fair! Clearly Harry was going to have to take things into his own hands as he did something that others might consider brave but truly he was just stupid and jealous of anyone else getting the Trolls attention as Harry took a great running jump and managed to latch onto the Troll by the neck. While the Troll couldn't feel a thing to Harry it was to be the ride of his life.

Excited as he was Harry managed to get his wand into the troll, the long bit of wood pressed firmly in its nostal cavity leaving the Troll to flail it's own club and howl. Twisting as Harry clung to the Troll for dear life, his heart beating like nothing else as any moment the troll would rip him off or take to him with its ever so large and wooden club in return. Hermione of course being a girl had sunk to the floor in fright and so it was up to the Comic Relief to steal the scene and the Trolls club with a quick Wingardium Leviosa. Harry had just been really getting into it when the Troll's club flew suddenly out of it's hand and with a crack fell on the poor abused Troll's head. Slowly the Troll swayed on the spot with Harry still clinging to it's back before with a thud that made the whole room tremble the troll fell flat on its face Harry riding the poor beast all the way down before getting to his feet, shaking and out of breath Harry looked at Ron standing there holding his wand with utter rage. HE was the main character! HE had it all under control and now Ron just had to ruin everything. Harry turned back to stare at the troll as he adjusted his robes as meanwhile Hermione had finally been given a line of dialog to ask if the troll was dead. Harry looked at the Troll how was he to admit that he couldn't kill it even if he tried, for they had shared a moment and ignoring his sidekicks Harry made his way over to the trolls head, bending down he gently caressed its face pulling his wand out to find it covered in lumpy grey resuide of what had come before. Troll Boogers he called them as feeling rather empty and disappointed that they had such a short moment together Harry wiped off the goo on the trolls trousers.

It was a suspiciously short amount of time before McGonagall came bursting into the room followed by the two suspect characters Snape and Professor SquirrelWithATurbinOnIt'sHead, Squirrel seeing the sight of the troll it was all too much for the clearly sus character as he sat on the toilet for relief while Snape bent over the troll suspicious of what had befouled the creature in his absence. Being both Female and Old Professor McGonagall was full of cold fury at the depravity of the boys. Harry looked at Wand who still had his wand out in the air. Snape gave Harry and Ron a swift.. piercing look at McGonagall's question of why they where not in their dorm.. because it was obvious that the two boys where not spending enough time in their dorm for them to be taking out their youthful exuberance on a innocent mountain troll. Suprisingly since she had been all but passed up for the entire seen it was Hermione or 'Miss Granger' as McGonagall called her that saved Harry from possible charges of lewd conduct and bestiality to boot. As Hermione explained how she had thought to take on the troll it was telling that Ron's wand had been dropped at the prospect while Harry was trying to look as if the whole idea was new to him. Left speechless as McGonagall belittled Hermione for being foolish ignoring the fact that she was of course the Brainy sidekick except when such occasion was necessary for her to fill the always needed rule of Damsel in Distress Harry waited until Hermione left and it was just him, comic-relief-Ron and McGonagall.

Impressed as Professor McGonagall was Harry had to blush as the Professor said that not many first years could have taken on a fully grown mountain troll, Harry again had to think of the power and the feeling as he rammed his wand deep into the Troll.. so much so that he barely acknowledged the fact that Professor Dumbledore was going to be informed.. but that made sense considering Dumbledore's utterly missing in any part of the novels but later reviled sexuality. Trying to keep up a usual 'normal' banter Harry's mind was still full of thoughts of the Troll still no doubt laying on the bathroom floor. A jealous part of him wondering about how Snape had leant over it just before he'd left Harry couldn't help but suspect that right now Snape would be doing dark and despicable deeds of the kind Harry could only dream of or watch on late night tv. Reaching the common room it was packed with students eating the food that had been sent up. The exploitative Hogwarts where elves where expected to do room service to every snot nosed kid in the school unlike lesser wizard school where they would probably just tell them to fetch the food from the kitchen themselves if they where hungry. It wasn't surprising after the ordeal that they found Hermione standing alone by the door, waiting for them. There was a embarrassed pause, then none of them looked at each other having all known what it was that Harry had done. For no reason at all they all said thanks and hurried off to get plates. From that moment on Harry Ron and Hermione where friends but Harry never forgot the moment he had shared with one very special twelve-foot mountain troll.

The End.


End file.
